A Blessing in Disguise?

So yesterday, I found out I did not get a position that I applied for & one of my good friends did. I kind of expected it to happen like this because he’s worked so hard to get this job & he deserves it, but I am still a little disappointed that the same didn’t happen for me. 

I know that everything happens for a reason & that God has another plan for me. As of now, I have no idea what that plan is but I know it’s for the best. Although it may seem like an unfortunate situation now, I know that one day I’ll look back on it & be grateful that everything happened the way it did. I’ll get to that place & all the things that don’t make sense right now will come together. 

After finding out who got the positions for the upcoming year, my friends talked me through everything. A few of my close friends texted me for a long time, letting me get out all of the emotions I was holding in. Disappointment, fear, & discouragement. & at the same time I was so happy for my friend who got the job. My friends knew just what to say to make me feel better about everything. Then a little later, I get an email from my friend who did get the job.

Words cannot even describe this email. I cried after I read it. He was so honest & supportive & told me not to be discouraged. He knew exactly what to say. He told me exactly what I needed to hear. 

I had a little “AHA” moment after reading this email & looking back on my day. I have the best friends ever. I am so blessed & grateful to have these people in my life. This past while I’ve been trying to figure out who I am, what I want to do, who I’m meant to be & I’ve been heading off the tracks. It’s these friends who bring me back, remind me of who I am & remind me that it’s okay to mess up & make mistakes.

I’ve also decided why I got so caught up with this boy that I ran into. I’ve definitely been studying too much psychology recently because the only way I can think of how to describe this is through Maslow’s hierarchy of needs! I have all my biological needs met, I have safety & security, I have belongingness. The next thing I need is love. I have love from my friends & from my family. But a part of me really just wants that one person to love me, understand me, who wants me to know them & wants to get to know me. & I want it so badly. I just want it to happen for me. I know it’ll happen eventually, but I want it now. & I know that’s not the way things work, but I was so focused on getting all of that, that I didn’t realize that it was probably a good thing that I said no to him. A friend doesn’t warn someone about a boy for no reason, I know she’s looking out for me. 

I read something that really hit home in today’s email from “The Daily Love” (my favourite thing ever, I’m obsessed with it. Such truth to all his posts & an inspiration to everyone who reads it. Mastin Kipp is amazing.). 

“Sometimes we have crisis in our lives - but the MEANING we GIVE the crisis is everything. Is this a breakdown or a breakthrough? Shit happens, but it’s what you do about it that matters. Instead of reacting, let us respond. Responsibility is the ability to respond. This means that we have the power to choose to respond in an empowered way to our circumstances, rather than just look for reasons why we are wrong, why we are not good enough or why we should quit. If you look for problems, you’ll find problems; but if you look for GRACE - you’ll see that Grace walks with you at every step!”

I’ve been looking at the negative side of all of my circumstances. Everything happens for a reason. Life has shaken me to awaken me. All I need to do is be aware & grateful of this path that I’m on, because even though it might not be what I originally wanted, I know that it’s the right path for me & that it will lead me to EXACTLY where I want to be. 

The boys I liked but didn’t like me back? We were probably meant to be friends. They are there for me no matter what I love them for it. The boy I ran into that I regret taking a chance on? He’s probably trouble & I’m not the kind of person that is strong enough to deal with boys like that. I’m easily fooled so I’ll wait for someone who I know will treat me right.  I’m not in a relationship? I don’t have a reason for this one yet, but I’m sure that someone special will come along soon that will make me forget about the worries I had about that. So for now, I’m going to stop searching for love because love doesn’t happen like that.

In the words of Mastin Kipp,

“Love has a way of finding you when you stop seeking it and start being it.” 

Boys, boys, boys…

Boys make life so much more interesting & so much more confusing at the same time. God love ‘em. 

Long story short. There’s this boy. We were flirting for a while & he asked me out last weekend. The thing is… I was warned about this one. I was torn on whether to say yes to this date or not. He seemed like a really nice guy, he was cute & other than this warning, I had no reason not to give him a shot & go out with him. I ended up texting one of my best friends who knew him, & she said I could do whatever I wanted but she suggested that I didn’t go out with him, because he would probably pull me in & lead me on like he did with one of her other friends. & she knows how easily fooled I am. So I lied (I know, bad idea) & told him that I was dealing with someone. He said no worries & a few minutes later asked if my friend had any influence on this & (following the girl code) I said no.

LONE BEHOLD, guess who I run into in class the day after? Obviously, my hair was a mess & I wasn’t wearing any make-up.  I was taken off guard. First off, because I couldn’t actually believe that I was seeing him in my class because he’s not in my program. I was so confused. Why was he in my class? Visiting a friend in my program? I have no idea. I didn’t know what to do, but our eyes connected. So I know he saw me. & I was so taken off guard that I didn’t smile. I didn’t say hi. I didn’t do anything. Looking back on it now, that was so stupid of me. I should’ve been friendly & said hi or at least smiled. But obviously I didn’t because I combust in stressful situations like this. 

I kind of wish that I had said yes. One lunch wouldn’t have killed me right? I could’ve taken care of myself for one date. The thing is that I can’t stop thinking about him. About running into him. About the fact that I probably should’ve said yes. I’m not sure if this is the rebel in me coming out but I want the bad boy. I want the boy that I can’t have. But I messed up, missed the chance & it’s too late now.

“Gotta look back on that moment I ran into you & forgive myself for the things I didn’t do. Now there’s no hope in hell I’ll get another chance you.
So I’ll move on & try not to think about that day I said no to you.”